Im at strip club and am horny
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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