I smell stomach acid.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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