The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
