Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
