cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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