i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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