My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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