I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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