I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
