I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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