hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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