we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
