HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
