he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
