I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
