apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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