You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
