Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
