Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
