you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
