If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
