Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
