He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
my poor anus
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
