I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
