I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
