I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
