I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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