Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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