Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
