so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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