I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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