My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
