I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
