god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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