There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
