Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
