Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
