shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
