I cannot find my penis.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
