God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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