The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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