your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
