So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
