Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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