Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He passed out mid-signature
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
