hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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