i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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