literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
