can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
