I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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