I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
